One of those fundamental questions

Posted: February 17, 2013 by doubleplusundead in This Is My BOOMSTICK!

What is God’s* Sidearm of choice?  The nice thing is we all know He isn’t gonna roll one of those hideous plastic bricks.  Even the most militant Glock fanboy knows this in their heart.  Objectively, they’re probably the best defensive tool out there, but when you’re of the divinity, you can roll whatever the fuck you want, practicality be *ahem* God damned.

I doubt God rolls an auto, just not classy enough, it’d be like God wearing a quartz or digital watch, it’s just not gonna fucking happen, at the very LEAST He Who Is is rolling a basic no-date Submariner.  If he was running an auto, it’d be a P08 or a M1911, the P08 is just too tainted by perception as the sidearm of Nazis, the M1911 is the obvious choice, if God was rolling an auto.  But I just don’t think he would.  Autos just lack the….gravitas…that a proper revolver carries.  Even a 1911.  And I’m not just saying that as a loyal wheelgunner.  But what revolver would He carry?

Let’s start with DQ’ing some obvious ones, God isn’t rolling a Taurus, Rossi or Ruger.  Rugers are fine guns, but they lack the grace needed to be God’s Sidearm, God doesn’t spend His eternities futzing around with crazy Bubbafied handloads.  God already sends people who own Tauruses and Rossis to Hell, it’s in the Bible, people, look it up.  Korth is too exotic and ritzy, as is the Mateba Unica, its bastard child the Chiappa Rhino too hideous, the Webley-Fosbery is again too unusual, ditto the Phillips & Rodgers Medusa.  Most European revolvers are DQ’d on ugliness alone.  So that leaves us S&W and Colt, as *ahem* God intended.  God isn’t going to run an X-frame, too flashy, a Single Action Army?  Maaaaaaybe, but that may even be a little old school for Mr. Old Testament.  He’s not going to carry a Model 29, because He’s not going to copy Clint Eastwood, and He’s not going to carry a nickel Police Positive, too small and He’s not going to copy Charles Bronson.  Not a J-Frame or Detective Special, God isn’t going to carry concealed.  So I’m thinking that narrows things down to an K, L, or .357 N frame, or an Official Police, Diamondback or Python.  I don’t think He’s gonna roll an N-Frame, if He did, it’d be a Registered Magnum.  If he’s going to pick a L-Frame or Python, He’ll go Python, but I was thinking, if God is gonna pick, and we have the New Testament thing to think about, we have to consider the Last Crusade effect, so that nixes the Python and Diamondback.

I really think if we were just talking Old Testament God, we’d be talking Python, but if we’re considering New Testament too, we’ve got to factor that in.  So we have the K-frame and the Official Police.  The Model 10 is of course the quintessential K-Frame, so that’s the metric we go by.  I just don’t see God rolling something named Official Police, God isn’t a Cop, so my final guess on what God Himself carries?

Smith & Wesson Model 10, 4″, Pencil Barrel, Square Butt.

*I put way too much thought into this, and the irony that I’m not terribly religious is not lost on me here.

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Comments
  1. veeshir says:

    I didn’t see your post, sorry if I stepped on it, mine took me a while.

    I hate to disagree with you on anything but music, but….

    If He’s laying down some wheel gun fire-and-brimstone, Old Testament style you know it’s an X-Frame in .500 S&W mag goodness.

    He can have Pau Ferro or Michelangelo make Him a nice grip that fits His hand.

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