Archive for the ‘The Big Screen’ Category

I jinxed it

Posted: September 4, 2013 by socklessjoe in Brevity etc., FAIL, The Big Screen

Christina Hendricks no longer to play a stripper, but to have “more important” part.


Two totally different movies, both just happening to revolve around some apocalyptic scenario.

“This is the End” was very disappointing.  I mean, I knew it was going to be dumb — that was the premise.  But it was idiotic, and not particularly funny, unless you find the consumption of copious amounts of drugs to be inherently funny.

I mean, there are stoner flicks, where people get high and do dumb things have wacky adventures, and there are movies where drugs are part of the main plot, and there are movies where there is incidental drug use that’s about setting and character development, and of course, some overlap among those three categories. But the first, I dunno, twenty minutes or so of this film is basically and ode to recreational drugs, first and foremost weed, to little apparent cinematic end.  Ok, coked-out Michael Cera was mildly amusing.

Seth Rogen smokes weed? You don’t say…

Anyway, the movie has its moments, but most of those were in the trailer.  I give it a 3 on a 10-scale.

“World War Z” was about a 6.5 on a 10-scale.  Disclaimer: I have had no exposure to the source material.  As a basic horror film it was a little light on the gore.  There is very little character development of anybody other than Brad Pitt, and not much there either.

The IDF chick is sorta cute despite the GI-Jane haircut.  She sticks with Pitt longer than anybody else during his adventures, but we never really learn anything about her either.

Zombie films need to be either about (1) the interaction of the survivors, (2) the development of some sort of Christ-figure capable of saving everybody, or (3) pure gore and terror.  WW-Z was light on all three.

To the extent that WW-Z was at all terrifying, it was through the use of not just fast-zombies, but crystal-meth fast zombies in the opening scene.  I mean, it was practically a river of zekes flowing through the streets of Philadelphia.  When you start questioning the plausibility of the zombie apocalypse scenario in a zombie film, that’s not exactly starting out on the right foot.

The end was anticlimactic.  I suppose in this sense they were probably bound by the source material, but I really couldn’t know that for sure.  If you like zombie movies, go see it, but if you’re on the fence about this one, just go ahead and skip it.

Anybody see Man of Steel?

This is totally not a “round the tubes” post. I already did one of those today.

FrnakJ would win “Quote of the Day if I let him in the contest, but I won’t cuz he’d win every day.

So lax gun laws in other states than Illinois cause gun violence in Chicago but not in the states with the lax gun laws.

Heh. He’s consistently made me laugh for 9 years. But don’t tell him. He’ll get a big head.

What with the problems in their global warmmongering, (Mann, hockey stick, lying sacks of shit, etc.) Penn State must have moved some global warmmongering ‘scientists’ over to their astronomy dept.

We all know the “Goldilocks Zone” (GZ) in astrogeometristics means the zone that’s ‘just right’ for life. In other words, the distance from a star where a planet could conceivably support life. We only know of one planet, currently, that supports life so we used to base the GZ on Earth’s orbit. That was the ignorant ‘before’, we’re in the glorious ‘now’ so we have super-genius global warmmongers on the job.

the Penn State team suggests… farther away planets into the fold of life-sustaining planets, a… it also kicks some planets out of the hunt for life as too hot — including, oddly enough, our very own Earth,

Brilliant! You’d think one of them might look at that and say, “Uh, guys…..” You’d be wrong.

So why do I say it’s global warmmongers?

Clouds are just one factor that neither definition of the zone takes into account,

Neither do any global warmmongering models, and that’s why nothing they do is useful. They just can’t figure out how to model clouds (neither can I, but I admit it), so they just ignore them. It’s Ostrich Science.

Seriously, it always make me laugh to think of going back to 1970 and trying to explain 2013. The crackpots living in the mountains waiting for the Russkies to invade because the US gov’t invited them would think I was  a paranoid loon.

Speaking of which, assuming there are around 250 million adults in America, does anybody really think that there aren’t 249,999,999 people more fit for that job than Hagel? You know who this helps? That’s right, Joe Biden. He’s number 249,999,999. He’s coming up smelling like…not shit!

Okay, this is heartening. Chicago and Boston have always been uber-corrupt but well run. They both had the biggest necessity for any, effective, political machine, a top-down hierarchy where the top tries to make sure Teh Peepul are happy. As we’ve seen in Boston, that might crumbling in Chicago . The fall of the Kennedys and the $billions in Big Dig money made insurrection thinkable in Boston.

Now we see something funnier in Chicago.

How, in the city of Chicago where the Democrat Machine is so strong, could there be 17 Democrat candidates vying for one open seat? It could hardly be imagined under the iron rule of former Mayor Daley.

How indeed. What we’re seeing is people who want power, but think power means you tell people what to do and you know more than anybody else. Rahm doesn’t understand what it takes to run a political machine, it’s like a mafia family but with more guns.  Daley was raised and taught by his father who perfected Chicago’s political machine, and that was one of the most vicious but well run in the country.

The candidates run the gamut from completely clueless, yet dangerous in their ignorance to practiced Chicago pols like Alderman Beale and Robin Kelly,

Oh man am I rooting for the ignorantly dangerous. Chicago likes its politics and believes all the stupidities MSNBC spews out, let them actually live in that world. I picture people like Barbra Boxer or Maxine Waters, except even more stupid or they’d be in national politics instead of Chicago-city politics. They can pass a law mandating that all guns sold in Chicago have remote safeties that the police control or that they have smart bullets that don’t shoot people with police badges.

Chaos is the best outcome from stuff like that.

A perplexing note. I understand economics and stuff like that about as well as a duck knows Thursday.

DrewM has a post about funemployment going up .1% (going up, that’s the key point) and includes tweets from Ezra Klein (point and laugh) and the Wash Post (spit) where they claim that at that rate we’ll be at full employment in 2022.

Unemployment went up, if we follow that trend we’ll have full unemployment in 920 years. I don’t see how we can have full employment if we’re not creating enough jobs to actually lower employment.

I mean, I know Ezra Klein is an idiot, is that why DrewM posted those tweets? I hope so. If not, don’t explain it to me, I’d have to burn you as a witch.

This needs to be posted again, not because I like it, but because it’s so scarily true.

Just Fixin' It

Just Fixin’ It

No links, just some uselessly late movie reviews.

Your Highness. Very funny. The only jarring note is the Hero Brother, they really needed someone much more Cary Elwes in that role.

Big Hand For The Little Lady. Old Henry Fonda movie with lots of people you’ll know. One of the very best endings in any movie I’ve ever seen. I watched it on a rainy day while my friend and I played Scrabble or something otherwise I wouldn’t have watched it. Great movie, great ending. A homesteader gets in a big money poker game, threatening to leave his son and wife destitute.

Gold Diggers. A 1933 movie about show business types in the Depression, it was on earlier. It’ was very timely and hilarious.

Flapper/actress, “He’s a genius!” about a singer/songwriter.

Director, “Hmmm, maybe show business could use a genius.”

Red with Helen Mirren, excellent movie. John Malkovich rocks and Bruce Willis is at his best. They hide it (not sure why) but the girl has nice breasts. They don’t hide Helen’s, which I applaud. They didn’t work in any tasteful topless scenes (I saw at least 4 chances with another chance for a light-petting, lezbo scene), but you take what you get.

Bubba Ho Tep, one of Bruce Campbell’s finest. Elvis got sick of performing, traded with an impersonator but kept the right to take it back then lost the papers so now he’s in a cheap nursing home about to be killed by a mummy. If you need any other endorsement, Lemur King doesn’t like it.

And last but not least, the hockey strike was over like 2 weeks ago, why didn’t anybody tell me? Are the Islanders mathematically eliminated yet?

Some  Hotassery, we need it.


Best Supporting Accent

Posted: January 15, 2013 by veeshir in Random Crap, The Big Screen

Just because I can actually watch the news doesn’t mean we need to get away from our core duties of answering life’s big questions.

In today’s exciting episode, we’re going to find out the celebrity with the worst fake accent.

Our first nominee paid attention to the small details, you have no idea where he’s supposed to be from.

Leon the Professional.

A few years ago told me he was supposed to be Italian, I had always thought he was Russian and I couldn’t figure out why he worked for Italians.

Next, a non-movie showing but no bad accent list would be complete without its inclusion.

Madonna’s ‘British’ accent.

That makes me giggle every time.

Another non-movie entry, Sean Connery doing a Scottish accent.

He makes me laugh every time. His accent is like Michael Jackson’s nose or skin color, it changes a lot over the years.

The next entry is so spectacularly bad, I would bet that it got some casting type fired, perhaps a whole slew of them.

Seriously, who thought Keanu Reaves doing Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan doing a British accent was a good idea?

The only reason that one didn’t win was because it just felt too cruel and the hilarity of it is reward enough.

I could have made this whole thing about the bad accents in Destry Rides Again, but too many were just bit roles. Everybody had an accent and they were all associated with a different country or region of Europe and not a one of the accents matched the region they claimed.

In that vein, Ladies, Gentlemen, people who read this blog, I give you the winner of the worst accent by someone we’re supposed to take seriously………………….

Marlene Dietrich as Lili Von Schtupp….Frenchy!

I love that movie, but the director obviously had a fever and the only prescription was more cowbe... bad accents.

Partial Recall

Posted: August 4, 2012 by socklessjoe in Random Crap, The Big Screen

The new Total Recall flick is entertaining, but the Ah-nuld version will always be the definitive one.

So many major plot elements are the same between the two films that it’s a wonder they changed the big ones that they did. First of all, nobody goes to Mars.

I’m sorry, but you lost me right there. It’s not Total Recall, it’s something else. There are mostly the same characters, parallel scenes, and even some cute misdirection, but it’s not the story many of us cherish.

No, the colony is Australia, not Mars. And the oppressors are the United Federation of Britain. (Much of the surface of the earth is uninhabitable due to contamination from war, generating a shortage of livable space.) Douglas Quaid lives in the colony and has a 17-minute commute to Britain through “The Fall”, an elevator/commuter vehicle passing through a tunnel bored through the core of the earth. Aesthetically, the colony is rather Blade Runner-ish, though Quaid’s split-level concrete apartment needs just a little interior decorating to make it notably nicer than a lot of places folks gladly live. And of course, he’s married to Kate Beckinsdale.

Back in the real world, I compare this life to my hour and fifteen minute car commute, the corresponding gasoline costs, and to top if off I have to pay for parking. Also, I’m not married to Kate Beckinsdale. As an instrument of oppression, “The Fall” seems rather pathetic. Don’t get me wrong, the colonists are most certainly discriminated against, but it’s not as extreme as with the Martian colonists in the 1990 Total Recall, where the government literally controlled the air supply.

The more realistic and less fantastical plot naturally generates more scrutiny of the plot. Without the Martian element, the story is reduced to a basic class struggle. I was taken aback in one scene where the paper currency flashes quickly across the screen and Obama is on one denomination of notes. My initial reaction was an eye-roll so violent it was almost audible in the theater, but a few moments later I appreciated the probably unintended irony that the currency of an oppressive future government pays homage to one Barack Obama.

Some spoilers below…


Cockneys vs. Zombies!

Posted: August 3, 2012 by aliceaitch in The Big Screen, Zombies!

Red band trailer!

Gary Oldman and more Gary Oldman

Posted: July 11, 2012 by aliceaitch in The Big Screen, Win!

(I’m sure there’s a news story somewhere covering this, but I’m too lazy to look it up.  Teh Hubby pointed me at the IMDB page, so that’s what you’re getting.)


There’s a making of Robocop in the works, which made me scream and wail and gnash my teeth since the original Robocop is one of my favorite movies ever ever ever.  Apparently there’s an attempt to do this one right, though – We have Samuel Jackson, Gary Oldman, Joel Kinnaman as Robocop, and Hugh Laurie as the Big Bad.

Yeah, this is old news – this was all revealed nearly two months ago.  So why am I posting this now?  Because Gary Oldman is awesome, that’s why.

Avengers: Solid

Posted: May 19, 2012 by socklessjoe in Geektasticity, The Big Screen

The Avengers is a solid summer blockbuster comic-book movie, and has the potential for X-Men style franchise strength.  You’re not going to walk out of the theater with your mind blown, but you’ll have gotten your money’s worth.

I happened to see the 3D version, which also happens to be the first 3D feature I’ve taken in.  Frankly, I could have done without the 3D.  Yeah, it’s cool in parts, helping with the immersive experience, but in high-action scenes it’s a bit much to take in.  Honestly, certain hand-to-hand combat scenes were a headache-inducing blur.

And while I’m yelling at those damned kids to get off my lawn, I think that low-pitched grumbly Batman-esque dialog should be banned from movies forever.  Not only is it lame, but I can’t understand what the hell the characters are saying.  Dear Hollywood: A big chunk of your target demographic has low grade hearing loss from years of headphone abuse.

Totally cool seeing Robin Scherbatsky, errr Cobie Smulders in the flick.  She kind of had a younger Carrie-Anne Moss in The Matrix look working for her. Nice.  Scarlett Johansson looks amazing, and Sam Jackson is once again his usual BAMF self.

I hadn’t seen Thor, but picked up pretty quickly on what was going on. The part of Loki was well-cast, IMO.  The guy totally has crazy eyes.  Mark Ruffalo’s portrayal of Bruce Banner was passable but not great.  He’s the third Bruce Banner since 2003, and over all the years I just don’t think they’ve ever quite figured out how to make Banner work as a character.  Hulk is kind of a big deal, but unlike Iron Man, Thor, and Cap, we’ve never seen this version of Bruce Banner before, so it was a little weird.

Sure, there are plot holes big enough to drive a truck through, and Loki’s staff and mind control seem derivative of the Stargate SG-1 “Ori” villains, and but that’s not really why we watch comic book flicks.  The characters were generally believable and relatable despite their absurd conditions, the action was blam-tastic, and there was a general “good guys vs. bad guys” moral undertone to the whole thing, despite occasional moral ambiguity exhibited by individual characters.


A question

Posted: May 18, 2012 by doubleplusundead in The Big Screen

Why, oh why, does every movie with a dystopic future have the bulk of the people dress like they’re auditioning for Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?  Seriously, I don’t get this.  And it annoys the fuck out of me…yep, I did watch Hunger Games.  As far as the movie itself, meh.  Sorry, I tried, but meh.  On top of the fact that it fuels my general revulsion towards this trend of putting children and women through utter torturous hell in literature,

I Am Spartacus!

Posted: January 21, 2012 by veeshir in The Big Screen

The Spartacus sequel started last night, not on Starz but on channel 101 on DirecTV, since we get almost as many hits for “Spartacus sequel” as we do for “sloppy vagina”, I should probably review it.

It’s hard to say what a show will be like but so far it’s good. better than the “prequel”. It draws you in and gets you all worked up, just like the first season.They’re in hiding right now, with the Romans sending larger and largers groups to get them.

I like the show because, aside from the damn “thumbs up/thumbs’ down” deal, it’s pretty accurate both about Roman Republic life in general and what happened with Spartacus in particular. I’m not enamoured of the ‘300’ style of filming fights, but it’s not too annoying.

The only jarring point is the new Spartacus. Andy Whitfield, the guy who played Spartacus, died from non-Hodgkins lymphoma (for those who don’t know). I rewatched the first season and I still think he was fantastic, except for the final speech which seemed kind of forced.

So they had to get a new Spartacus and you have to keep remembering, “Oh yeah, that’s Spartacus”.

So far I like him too. He has the same sort of attitude as the Whitfield’s Spartacus, which I like. The “brooding barbarian warlord” works for a guy who’s trying to “Make Rome Tremble” for the enslavement and death of his woman.

The cast list has Gannicus from the prequel even though we haven’t seen him yet, which I like. He was cool. You need the “devil may care” type for any good rebellion/slave revolt and they don’t have one. Crixus, Spartacus and Oenomaus just don’t have that flair.

The point, 4 stars so far. Hopefully they keep it going.

And since I’m writing about Spartacus, let’s see one of the best reasons to watch

mmmmmm, hot slave chick.

You’re going to have to count on Alice updating this if you wants bipartizans pics, I doesn’t do that. There’s plenty of eye-candy for that, not the “Twilight”, androgynous, sparkly effemes, these are the type Capt. Oveur showed Joey after the flight.