Archive for the ‘Vagina Squad Fail’ Category

Damn The Tubes! Full Typos Ahead!

Posted: March 17, 2013 by veeshir in China, Fun With Media, Funniest End of Civilization Evah, GOP FAIL, HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!, Jitardis, Liberal Fascism, Notes on the Revolution, Obama's Fault, Teh Funneh, Vagina Squad Fail, You'll pry 'em from my cold dead hands
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A drudgetaposition

DHS buying $9 million worth of guns from H&K and Sig

DHS hiring!

Now, I defended CPAC for not inviting people like Christie, but I am pretty upset about GOProud.

As Eric asks, Is Breitbart’s ghost uninvited?

Quoth Breitbart

“If being conservative means rejecting gay conservatives because they are gay, then fine, I’m not a conservative.”

It’s their party, but people afraid of gay cooties really need to get a grip. Everybody knows girls are where cooties come from.

Now, I hate trusting a Minitrue outlet, but I don’t think they’d actually alter a transcript, you never know but this feels right.

Boehner from ABC’s This (is) Weak

MARTHA RADDATZ: So, do you trust President Obama?

SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER: Absolutely….. There’s no issue there. We have a very, very– good relationship.

Fuck.

But it gets better.

SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER: We do not have an immediate debt crisis.

Double fuck.

SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER: Well, I think– most people would think that I’m part of the common-sense caucus.

By “most people”, I assume he’s talking about his staff and GOP tools who hate wacko birds.

I could quote this fucking thing all day, but I’ll end on a hilarious note

SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER:…The Senate is likely to finish their budget– after– the Easter recess.

Listen, there aren’t enough “ha”s in the world for that “bwa” so I don’t want to use them up on something so fucking stupid.  They’re already doing more continuing spending $trillions resolutions.  Those are much better than budgets, they don’t have deficit spending or earmarks. At least, everybody can pretend they don’t and really, that’s all that matters.

In Fuck You Minitrue News, a puppy blender link quoting The Hill. (I don’t link Minitrue if I can avoid it)

“A growing number of states are moving forward with legislation to exempt them from new federal gun controls and, in some cases, brand as criminals anyone who tries to enforce them. While many of the bills are considered symbolic or appear doomed to fail, the legislative explosion reflects a backlash against legislative and regulatory efforts in Washington to tamp down on gun violence.”

Fuck you, it’s not about reducing gun violence, it’s about control, it’s about making citizens into subjects and you assholes know it, you just keep pushing your fucking view at every chance.

So what does it say when I see the ‘Justice” Dept. is investigating the Wall Street Journal and my first thought is, “How did they piss off Obama?”

said it had received information from a person it described as a whistleblower who claimed one or more Journal employees had provided gifts to Chinese government officials in exchange for information, according to people familiar with the case.

First, so fucking what? If they want to pay for information, why is that Obama’s….. oh yeah, Chinese bribes.

Nevermind.

Another Weasel Zippers link that would be fucking hilarious if it weren’t as we they were fucking with us over the SEQUESTER THAT’S GONNA KILL US ALL!!!!!.

The federal government is spending $227,437 to investigate how animals have been depicted in National Geographic magazine over a span of 120 years, which federal officials say is an “innovative study” that will examine “images of animals to see how people have changed their view of the natural world.”

… “Predators like wolves and coyotes have been consistently portrayed as a threat.

Gee, too bad they don’t make people think coyotes are all fluffy and friendly and stuff. I mean, who wouldn’t want their kids wanting to pet a vicious carnivore that’s one of the more opportunistic killers and lives in and near people areas? Sure jerks like my neighbor who lost his dog and chickens to the coyotes might be unhelpful about that, but that’s cuz he’s not as smart as bureaucrats in DC.

Okay, three more chucklers to end the day.

First, “Crazed Man Dressed As Vagina Shuts Down Pro-Life Speech” I will say, the story delivers on the headline. His mom isn’t very good at sewing.

Second, a little global warmmongering hilarity.

The estimates – given with 75 per cent and 95 per cent certainty – suggest only a five per cent chance of the real temperature falling outside both bands.

But when the latest official global temperature figures from the Met Office are placed over the predictions, they show how wrong the estimates have been, to the point of falling out of the ‘95 per cent’ band completely…

Do tell.

The funniest part, for me, is people scratching their heads and thinking that maybe other people who say the same phenomenon causes heat, cold, drought, floods, oyster herpes and the Earth exploding might just be making shit up.

And last, a quiz. I guaran-damn-tee nobody, and I mean nobody, gets the answer.

Who wrote this bit of poetry? (Link below so you can’t cheat, I took this from the middle because there are some words that might give a clue)

I am a supplicant for a goblet of wine
from the hand of a sweetheart.”

“O Friend, I have become captivated
by the mole over your lip.
I have seen your languid eyes
and I have become sick.”

“Place a strand of your wavy hair in my way.

In white ink, so you’ll have to highlight it.

Sayyid Ruhollah Mostafavi Musavi Khomeini

That’s right, the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomenei,

As the author says

Apparently the same guy who issued a deadly fatwa against Salman Rushdie and his ‘Satanic verses’; the same guy who has written a mini guide for good Muslim pedophiles on how to have sexual pleasure from a baby among other atrocities;  has also written poetry on wine, love, taverns, drunkenness and languid eyes

Did you get it? Of course not.

Must have been his Paris days.

Round the Tubes, I Don’t Want To Dwell On One Story Edition

Posted: January 4, 2013 by veeshir in Fun with Elections, Funniest End of Civilization Evah, HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!, I'm Afraid I Can't Blog That, Jitardis, Mideast Madness, Moron of the Day, Vagina Squad Fail
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Let’s go round the Tubes today.

First, a little middle east madness

Not sure what to think of this, I’ve seen it a few places, supposedly Egyptians found US missiles headed for Gazanian part of Terrorstan.

Nobody mentions exactly what missiles, they say surface to air and anti-tank. Now, the most logical place they could come from is the Egyptian military. Yay! I read somewhere that our stuff can’t be used to shoot at our stuff without some codes we don’t sell. So Egypt can’t use their US stuff to shoot down Israeli US stuff but we could/should give the data to Israel to shoot down Egyptian stuff. I hope that’s true and wouldn’t that be fucking hilarious and delightfully machiavellian?

Next, we have the difference between Israel and their fine, middle east neighbors illustrated very starkly and one reason I hate all “Internationalists”.

A single Syrian missile strike on a bakery near Hama killed more than 60 innocent civilians last week,

Attacking civilians is the goal for them. You can argue it, but there is a philosophical, moral and ethical distinction between intending to kill civilians and collateral damage.

so how did Israel manage to fire more than 1,500 high powered missiles into densely-populated Gaza in November, with the total loss of 161 lives, of which 90 have been acknowledged by Hamas itself as active combatants?

So 1,500 Israeli missile strikes killed 10 more civilians than 1 Syrian missile strike. Foxnews allows the Israelis to answer their question from the above quote.

In cases where there are people inside a house or building we never strike the target without prior warning. We make phone calls, send leaflet flier warnings, and sometimes use a technique called ‘Knock On the Roof,’ where we fire very, very small, very precise tiny bombs onto the edge of the roof

If that shitty, little country were half as evil as our fine political, moral, social and intellectuals in the International Community screeched, there wouldn’t be a Palestinian ‘problem’, except to worry about disease from all the dead residents of Terrorstan. As Yourish notes, Not that the world recognizes Israel’s efforts. But there you have it.
Tangentially related (via terrorism), we have something that makes me a little embarrassed. I had  Blogwar with Stoaty Weasel and it took me a year to get her to fix our link in her blogroll.  I’ve been basically blogwarring with Lemur King and I’ve accomplished….uhhhh… getting a picture of Salma Hayek (and friends) in his sidebar.
Not very impressive compared to the Jawas.
How many other blog wars ended up with most of the losing participants in exile, in jail or, worse, dead?
None, that’s how many. Damn overachieving bastids.
Closer to home, we see the new class of Wymyn Senators talking stupid shit.
But the women also admit that they believe having more women in the room would help in fierce negotiations, compromise and legislating on Capitol Hill, traits they say do not come as naturally to their male colleagues in the Senate….
Sen. Amy Klobuchar, D-Minn., says that women have a camaraderie which helps in relationships that are key to negotiations on Capitol Hill, something she says comes natural to women more than men….

advice and really standing up for each other that you don’t always see with the men,”
Merde de toro. I worked for many years in a bunch of Dunkin’ Donuts (if you say, “Time to make the fucking donuts” I will punch you) and a few years as a waiter, in both places I worked primarily with women.
They fought constantly, their alliances shifted constantly. As Elaine said, “We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.”
One guy slept with most of the single girls in one restaurant where I worked, they hated each other and all loved him. Women talk about each other behind their backs like crazy and are fucking mean.
That sentiment enjoys bipartisan support among the women of the Senate.
Yeah, I bet.
Here’s the part of the post where I get women mad at me and men nod knowingly.
says that women are “problem solvers.”
Bullllllllllllllsssssshhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
You tell a man you have a problem he tries to help you solve it, but that’s not what women want, they want commiseration. I got in more trouble because of that until I was in my 20s and figured it out. I see a problem I try to fix it. It’s a guy thing.
And no, I would never say that to a women I was dating, I’m not an idiot. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t noticed it.
Don’t get me wrong, I love women but I refuse to idealize them. They’re people too. All that bullshit about if women were rulers we wouldn’t have wars is just that, bullshit. The ruler of Britain would tell Germany that Italy had a fat ass, Germany tells France while making sure that Italy can hear it and well, the nukes start flying.
Now that I’ve pissed off half the people reading this, let’s end on an optimistic note.
Near-Earth-Asteroid 2012 DA14 is scheduled to come close to the Earth on the 15th of next month. NASA claims it will miss. I’m hoping they used their global warmmongering “scientists” to figure out the trajectory and it hits.
It’s about 150 feet in diameter or so and it would be moving pretty darn fast relative to the Earth so we could get a big boom, but not an Earth shattering kaboom.
While I would have preferred it hit before the election, you take what you get in this particular end of civilization.
Why do I think it’s likely to hit? It’s the day after Valentine’s Day. A just asteroid would kill us all before that.
Update: Sorry about the line-spacing, I tried to fix it to make the post easier to read but it didn’t work. I know enough about computers to be dangerous and that’s about it.

In my Christmas stocking I want

Posted: November 30, 2012 by aliceaitch in Random Crap, Vagina Squad Fail
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NSFW. You were warned.

Ladyparts

Posted: October 25, 2012 by aliceaitch in Conservatism, Democratic morality, Fun with Elections, Stupid Question Time, Vagina Squad Fail
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So I’m watching live TV, which I pretty much never do but there’s no TiVo where I’m staying. Anyway, I’m confused by the political ads – am I supposed to hate Romney because he wants to overturn Roe v. Wade and get rid of Planned Parenthood, or am I supposed to hate him because he used to be pro-choice?  And why are we still being told to vote with our ladyparts?  Either a woman is too young to have enough sense to vote against Obama, or she’s too old and dried up to care about voting with her ladyparts.  (I’m firmly in the latter camp, so don’t go getting any ideas.)

Turn Her Over!

Posted: October 2, 2012 by veeshir in Funniest End of Civilization Evah, Jitardis, Parent of the Day, Queerblogging, Vagina Squad Fail
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There’s an old joke about a virginal girl who married a Greek guy, her mother warned her not to let him “turn her over”.  So after the honeymoon, the girl asks her husband why he didn’t try to turn her over.

He replies. “Because I don’t want kids yet.” Badum-cheeee!

It obviously needs to be updated.

Afghan women, emboldened by the presence of U.S. troops. have complained about beatings they’ve suffered at the hands of their husbands. The domestic violence reportedly stemmed from the inability of the women to become pregnant and produce sons, highly valued in Afghan society….

Virtually all of the younger men who beat their wives (over their inability to become pregnant)

So Afghan men are beating women for not getting  pregnant, you can see where this is going (heh).

had been former “apprentices” of older Afghan men, who used them for their sexual pleasure. Upon entering marriage, whatever the men knew of sex had been learned during their “apprenticeship,” at the hands of the older man. To put it bluntly, some of the younger Afghans were unfamiliar with the desired (and required) mechanics for conception….

the Army called in its psychological operations teams, which developed information campaigns in Pashtun areas, explaining the basics of heterosexual relations

We had to teach them how to fuck.

I think that was a mistake, if ever there was a culture that deserves to die off, it’s the boy-fucking, women-beating, terrorist-loving Pashtun barbaricum.

Saw it here, but I had to find another link cuz his Washington Examiner link is dead.

The secret to a long and happy marriage

Posted: September 28, 2012 by aliceaitch in Liberal FAIL, Vagina Squad Fail
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So if I spend five minutes a week cleaning house, and Teh Hubby spends one minute a week cleaning house, we should be fine and dandy, amirite?

And what are the percentages on the marriages where the parents make the kids do all the housework while the parents sit on the couch and eat bonbons?