In light of the current happenings in Colorado…

Posted: June 25, 2012 by aliceaitch in WTF Is Wrong With Colorado

I feel the need to post a few things.

One – I bet Bill “All of Colorado is burning” Owens feels like a fucking idiot right now.

Two – I hope the douchetwattle who’s setting fires in southern Colorado is caught and tied to a beetle-kill tree in a lightning storm.

Three – I feel the need to re-post something I wrote a couple of years ago.   When we were in RMNP yesterday, we encountered tourons smoking pipes and cigarettes in the dry dry dry forest (because everyone goes to the wilderness to enjoy second-hand smoke), and we managed to miss the Woodland Heights fire by about two hours.   In keeping with the law of averages, we countered our fantastic snowfall two seasons ago will horrid snowfall last season, so our forests are drier than Hillary’s coochie when Bill comes a’knockin.

  • Don’t throw your fucking cigarettes out the window, or even flick your ashes out the window!  Those trees you’re oohing and aahing over are infested with pine beetles, the climate here is likely drier than anything you’re used to, water is a scarcity, and that butt you throw out could easily start a forest fire.  Forest fires aren’t necessarily bad, but they endanger the lives of the firefighters who have to save dumbasses like you who won’t stay out of the way because, by God, you came out to see RMNP and you’re going to see it!
  • Don’t leave food around!  Until you’ve dealt with an aggressive bear or marmot or even a chipmunk that’s not afraid to knock a kid down to take their lunch out of their hand you have no idea what sort of havoc you’re wreaking on the natural environment in the park.  Those cute chipmunks will starve to death in the winter, because the crap you’re feeding them doesn’t let them form the proper fat to survive long periods without food.
  • Don’t leave your hiking trash anywhere in the park with the exception of a trash can!  RMNP doesn’t remain pristine with you leaving your shit there!  If every one of the three million visitors just tossed one little something in the park, it would shortly look like Mount Everest.  Don’t leave your dead bodies either!
  • Don’t pick up rocks and take them out of the park, not even one!  Three million visitors a year, do you understand scale?!  WTF makes you think that you’re so special that it’s OK for you to take a rock, if everyone did that there’d be no mountains anymore!  And quit carving shit into the trees, I don’t care that you think it’s a sign of your troo luv!
  • The mountains don’t give a shit about you!  Actually, I need to correct that – the mountains hate you for your lack of respect and are sneaky and will take you down because you’re stupid enough to think you can hike up a fourteener your first day at altitude.  When you hike somewhere you’re not prepared for, whether your lack of preparedness stems from not being physically able to handle the distance or the altitude or whether it stems from not bringing in enough supplies for yourself, you’re endangering yourself and wasting resources that could be used for a real emergency.  Some dumbass was on Long’s Peak yesterday begging other hikers for food – do you really think it’s others’ responsibility to carry their supplies and yours too?
  • Trail Ridge Road is a fucking state highway that just happens to run through the middle of the park!  There’s a reason those signs say “US 34” instead of just saying “Pretty Road Ahead, Stop and Take a Look!”  Going 20 MPH on it because you’re gawking while half a dozen cars are queued up behind you means that people aren’t getting to where they need to go.  Pull the fuck over and let people pass if you really need to see another aspen grove.
  • Don’t fucking stop in the middle of the road to take pictures of Bambi!  Guess what?  This is a national park teeming with wildlife, you will see another baby deer during your stay, and you won’t be risking getting rear-ended or road-raged.  There are plenty of places specifically designed for you to pull off and lookyloo without you stopping in the middle of a fucking highway!
  • Don’t throw your trash out the window of your car!  If I hear one more person whine, “But it’s biodegradable trash I’m tossing out my car window!” I’m gonna scream.  That bit of food that you toss out the window on to the road is why Bambi’s gonna get hit by a fucking car when she’s foraging, and her blood will be on YOUR hands.

In light of things I’ve observed this month, I feel the need to add:

  • That bear can run faster than you can.  In fact, that bear can run faster than the automobile speed limit through most of the park.  Getting out of your car and walking up to a bear so you can take a picture means I might just get a picture of you getting mauled by a bear.  Same goes for moose.  Just because it’s in a national park, it’s not fucking Bullwinkle, it’s not fucking Yogi.
  1. Mitchell says:

    I can’t be bothered to read all that so I skipped to the end. Executive summary: Don’t fuck Bullwinkle or Yogi.

  2. Larry says:

    I was at a small lunchstand in Upper Michigan (Ottawa National Forest) that was known for black bears hanging around, quite a tourist draw actually. The stand made sure the bears were fed well so they wouldn’t feed on the tourists. Even us Yoopers would go there to watch the bears. My favorite memory of the place is when an Asian tourist decided to HAND a bear a piece of KFC while HOLDING a whole bucket of chicken in his other hand. The tourist managed to get away by throwing the bucket at the charging bear, the bear wisely decided to eat the chicken from the bucket before the other bears could get to it, allowing the tourist to get back into his car. The bear ate the bucket too btw.

  3. kateser says:

    Beautiful day in WA turned deadly last week for a park ranger rescue climber after saving 4 Texans that overestimated MT Rainier:

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