doubleplusundead

It just wouldn’t be an election year without concern trolls, and one Michael Jenning of Van Nuys skips the blog comments sections, deciding instead to take to the letters page of the Los Angeles Times with the following missive:

A funny thing happens to me every time I convince myself to support the Republican Party, with its emphasis on individual freedom and its championing of ambition: Up pops another one of its politicians to display appalling ignorance. The latest of these “leaders” claims that he “misspoke” when he offered his idiotic musings on women’s bodies.

“Misspoke” is a term that originated, appropriately, in the Nixon administration. I think I’ll remind myself of this whenever I’m about to be conned into believing the GOP’s pieties.

Not bad, Michael, but allow me to give you a few pointers…

First of all, the “disgusted swing voter” persona is a decent way to go, but you can’t lay it on quite so thick. If you want the tourists to buy the idea that you were, like, totes for realsies gonna vote GOP but for Todd Akin tripping over his own dick, consider ditching the scare quotes around the word “leaders” and maybe use the capital-L instead. And when you’re using terms like “conned” and “pieties,” you lose the opportunity to take the moral high ground and affect a pose of head-shaking disappointment.

That brings me to my second critique: Why not go whole hog and claim to be a disaffected Republican? Talk about how you miss the GOP of old. How, say, if Eisenhower or (and I’m just spitballin’ here) Mitt Romney’s late father were here today, they would be just as disappointed as you. With more practice, you can go for the gusto and play the “Reagan couldn’t win the nomination today” card. If you’re going that route, though, don’t bother bringing up Nixon. Actual conservatives never really liked him and nobody but aging hippies really gives a shit about him anymore.

And while you’re trolling, don’t be afraid to use phrases like “as a Christian” or “as the father of [insert number between one and four] daughters” in order to amplify your concerns. Remember, you’ve got to have some skin in this game.

Well, Mike, I hope this has been helpful and that you’ll be convincing weak-willed squishes not to turn up at the polls come November. Until then, like someone else (and I think you know who I’m talking about) you can give yourself a Solid B+.