Football and Global Worming

Posted: September 5, 2012 by veeshir in Edumakashun, Exploding things, L.L.A.P.H., The Little Screen, Zombies!

Ahhhh, it’s that time again. Time for manly men to rub up against each other, grab each others’ balls and jump on top of each other into big piles and get all grabby under the pile.

Huh, it sounds almost as gay as soccer when you put it like that.

Eh, who cares? Tonight is a great start to the season, because it’s what football is all about.

Making Cowboys cry.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

Dear NFL, next year get some decent strippers, the ones you had this year weren’t very attractive. (sspspspspspspsp).

Oh, they were singers? Well, next year get strippers. Only a very small percentage of your audience is interested in either of those two, more than half your football audience would tune in for strippers. As it was, we were all watching Cash Cab, waiting for 5:30. Oh, and Boycott Lemur King.  A million monkeys typing at a million keyboards would all blow their own brains out if they actually put out what he blogs.

Now back to our regularly, scheduled post.

The second half of the title is an aside. I’ve been substitute teaching, I started in May, did some other stuff over the summer where I made 3X the money, and then quit that job I hated and I’m back to subbing until I get my regular teacher cert.

Tomorrow the class I’m teaching will be watching The Day After Tomorrow. I just can’t wait. I’ll have to be careful, but I’m going to ask them questions, make them answer them and maybe, just maybe, I can show 30 kids that Gorequemada’s crockumentary is about as much a documentary as Zombieland.

And if anybody says Zombieland is a how-to-survive-the-zombie-apocalypse documentary, I have three words for you: magazine-fed-weapon.

Anybody who thinks a double-barrel shotgun, a mare’s leg with a capacity of 6 rounds or fewer or even a shotgun with an 8 round tube mag are guns to be using against zombies, well, have fun being a zombie.

NOT SO IMPORTANT UPDATE:

Well fuck. Veeshirs are crying instead. That’s not the way it was supposed to end.

And to add insult to injury, I had to listen to those three idiots. Eh, it could be worse. The 70s had worse ass-kickings with Dandy fucking Don singing, “Turn out the lights, the party’s over” and Cosell intoning about how the  Cowboys are great.

Comments
  1. Lemur King says:

    Ok, here’s a serious question, so let’s keep on-target… it matters…

    Do zombies blink? Why not blind the fuckers? Lasers. Why not use lasers?

    And Cruel Wife says “Yeah, with portable power supplies…”

    (woman, get thee behind me)

    So seriously, IF Veeshirville had a generator, a laser is worth thinking about.

    Weapons-wise, there are other issues… http://www.cracked.com/article/126_5-popular-zombie-survival-tactics-that-will-get-you-killed/

  2. veeshir says:

    Listen, I’m just in it for the head shots., MoronPundit and DPUD are the experts on zombies.
    I’m still wondering why I can’t just fort up, eating the dog, and maybe the neighbors, until the zombies all starve or rot or whatever.

    • Lemur King says:

      Remind me to never be one of your neighbors, hmmm?

      When you mentioned “The Day After Tomorrow” I pictured “The Day After”. Very different. Please tell me the class isn’t a science class. I’ve had words with the local school over what they are trying to teach my kids about “global warming”.

      Anyway, if there ever is a zombie apocalypse (SMOD would be easier but any port in a storm, I say) I will definitely drag out a few lasers and give it a shot. Blind zombies and playing “Brains… over here…” until they fall off a cliff sounds like a freaking lot of fun. With a 12 gauge Moss on hand, of course. Just in case.

  3. Elliott says:

    It seems a bit wrong to talk about eating the neighbors to survive the zombies. I’m not saying I’m against the idea, but it feels like it should be wrong. People like the idea of a shotgun because it feels like it should be good at wiping out zombie brains. You see this large slug or 00 buck compared to a .223 and it just looks like it shouldn’t be a comparison. I think most people picture zombie attacks as being a smallish group and always close in on you like in buildings or city streets, not the horde shambling towards you sitting at the top of a hill or on a rooftop.

    Personally, I tend to be of the impression that you can survive a significant amount of time by getting to the top floor of a building and destroying the stairs. Give yourself a rope ladder that you can climb up quickly and then pull up behind you. Traditionally, zombies aren’t strong jumpers.

    You need enough food to last long enough for the ever-increasing zombie supply to eat through the ever-decreasing food supply. With how rapidly outbreaks seem to spread in the media available, you’re looking at a few months tops. You’ll get tired of canned foods, but you could realistically scrounge up enough to survive until your general area is cleared out to the point that you can get out and forage. The horde is always going to be moving towards food supply so you really just need to outlast that initial surge.

    Ammo will be harder to find than food anyway. People will have been hording it until they are turned. You just have to find those stores after the fact. Most of your ammo should be saved and used on people who want what you have. Zombies aren’t the real threat in the zombie apocalypse, you see.

    • veeshir says:

      Yeah, but my neighbors are assholes.

      As for weapons, I want to be able to put a lot of lead downrange, very quickly. Like sleestaks, they swamp you with numbers.

  4. MikeD says:

    I set my DVR to record “The Biggest Loser”. All it is storing is Cowboy games. Stupid computers, doing exactly what we tell them to!

  5. Shayne says:

    As the resident Cowboy fan, I feel it is my duty to just smile and wave.

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