Posted: November 3, 2012 by Edward von Bear in Conservatism

When I was younger, I never wanted to have a child. The thought of me being responsible for the well being of a small creature completely and utterly reliant upon me for life and sustenance frightened me, especially given my fondness for the fun life. Plus, how could a loser like me relate to a toddler? My wife’s sisters’ children all were afraid of me, so what about one who was with me all the time?

But, all of that left me when I first was able to hold my daughter seven and a half years ago. This moment was not at the hospital, for her first days were spent separated from us due to complications, but rather on my couch back at home, in the middle of the night, away from the nurses and well wishers, watching some stupid fucking show on ESPN, just because nothing else was on worth a flying fuck at the time. At that moment, I looked down and saw my daughter, sleeping the sleep of the angels on my lap. I saw me looking back, and a strange feeling came over me at OFuckThirty in the morning. A new feeling, one I never encountered before.

Now, I was too fucking tired to completely comprehend what was going on, but as the days wore on, the old protectiveness I used to display on the baseball diamond or in the barroom came through, though this time, it was not throwing a beanball at some dickhead who had just bowled over my shortstop a few innings ago or helping to even the odds with my friends as a rival fraternity closed in on our turf. No, this was a different protectiveness. This was protecting the future, as cliched as that sounds. This was not only making certain she was physically safe (and woe to any boy who thinks that in a couple of years he can get fresh with her. Just sayin’), but also making certain she had the same opportunities and chances as my parents labored to secure for me as the inevitable “letting go” moments start piling up. This is making certain she is able to succeed and prosper. This is making certain that she will be able to do all of this, despite the obstacles in her way. I mean, she’s my daughter, so a little bullshit on the path should mean nothing.

But what of the future? What does it hold? Debt? Shitty job prospects? Reduced opportunities to achieve and prosper? Reduced health care? Threats from rising powers who seek to displace the US as the global hegemon who can guarantee and protect freedom and capitalism? Derision at home from those who seek to sneer at the people who work to pay the taxes that fund their consequence free lifestyles? That is what my daughter faces?

When she sleeps, I sometimes still look in on her and watch her for a minute. I watch her dream her dreams of rising ponies and eating ice cream by the bathtub, as she describes it. And I realize that someday, she will leave this house and go out on her own. Someday, she will face the obstacles I listed above, and I will be unable to help her. Someday, I will have to let her go, and this someday frightens me. It frightens me to think of what she will face. And it frightens me to think that I will be unable to stop what will confront her.

But I can. I can protect her someday by doing some things she still cannot do. I can protect her someday by voting to determine the future of this country and the accompanying risks. I can protect her someday by doing my damnedest to remove from office via the franchise those who wish to restrict her future. To my daughter, all I can promise her is that I will do everything I legally can do to help her someday be as carefree as her today.All I can do is promise her that I will never let her down. All I can promise her is that I will never allow those who wish to doom her go untouched.

And to those who wish to restrict her someday, I have a few words for you as well.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Flyerfuck you forever and a fucking day with the fuckwang from the flying fuckbeagle of freedom. Fuck you for thinking you can restrict my daughter’s future without a fight. Fuck you for fucking thinking you could sneer at us without me fucksmacking that sneer off of your fucking fuckmangled faces. Fuck you for thinking you could impose your will without us fucking kicking you in your fucking nutsacks along the way. And fuck you for general purpose because I fucking hate seeing the future fucked over by a bunch of skinny jeans wearing fucksticks.

You think you can go untouched and damage my daughter’s future? Discofuck you with a syringe.

You think you can dampen her chances for a better tomorrow? Rotofuck you up your wellfucked fuckhole with the fucking fuckstick of the future.

You think we won’t go down without a fight? Equinefuck you with a horse’s fuckcock.

No, fucking fuckmonkeys of failure, we will not stand idly by and let you fuck over the country’s future. We will fucking not let you fucking get way with turning us into a socialist fuckhole without a fight. And we fucking the fuckdonkey in the back of the fucktruck will not let you get away with it so long as we can vote your fucking asses out.

I have no idea what will happen Tuesday, but I fucking guarantee that I will not let my daughter’s future be squandered, so long as I have something to say or do about it. I owe it to her, and I owe it to you.

So fucking go out and vote. Fuck the statists in their fucked over fuckholes and teach them it won’t happen anymore.

Thank you, and fuck the left.

  1. wintersetruss says:

    I just realized something.

    Without profanity, you’re a great writer; however, when you throw a few fuckity fuck fucks into the mix, you rise to another level.

    Well done, my friend.

  2. Sean M. says:

    *that slow clap thingy that builds up to become thunderous applause*

  3. daveintexas says:

    You’re gonna have to stop saying fuck if you want her to read your thoughts about her years from now.

    All that love you pour out for her. Lost. Until she’s 37.

  4. Sheer poetry, man….. 😛

    “He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.”

  5. Jay in Ames says:

    Excellent Eddiebear rant, complete with Fuck! Nicely done!

  6. George Orwell says:

    Not enough fuck. Otherwise, poetry with a depleted uranium baseball bat.

  7. Well-spat!

    I saw it coming and waited until I was fully awake and well-coffee’d – to better grasp the layers of subtlety and nuance in your rant!

  8. beasn says:


    And Steamboat, how the f*ck you doin’, man?

    • I’m doin’ more often than I’m being done to, beasn – so everything’s OK! Found my voter registration card, so I’m ready for Tues. I predict a landslide-like incident.

      Can’t wait to vote, and then “do” any property-invading melanin-rich numbfucks who “know where I live”. Bring it!

      Can you say “Sig Sauer P226 .40cal and a personal 100yd target range” – and a 30 years of practice?

      • beasn says:

        I’m glad you are doing okay. You kind of fell off the map and we miss your McGoo-self. I hope your sugars are under control so your aim stays true. Landslide? From your mouth to God’s ear.

        I’ll check over here more often or why don’t you come visit

      • creeper00 says:

        Love the P226. We have two….22 and 9 mil. Carry on.

        • Creeper00, I have the .357 Sig barrel for it too. I’d get the 9mm barrel also, but I already own too many 9’s – er, several anyway – and just can’t see buying another set of Sig clips.

  9. Tushar says:


  10. Nick Shaw says:

    Frankly, I can’t add a fucking thing.
    Thanks, Eddy. I needed that.
    There is too much fucking PC in this fucking world to say what’s on my fucking mind sometimes!

  11. Jim Scrummy says:

    I don’t think Bill Shakespeare could’ve said it any better. A thing of beauty. Oh yeah and Fuck that Fuckstick in our house at 1600 PA Ave, NW, Wash, DC. Get your movin’ van packed douchebag.

  12. Skylia Z Ember says:

    Nothing makes me happier than a good Eddiebear rant. Discofuck you with a syringe? Mitherfucking brilliant.

  13. mrfixitou812 says:

    Tears of joyful adulation leak down my face, because no one says it better than Eddiebear, a true wordfuckingsmith !

  14. mel says:

    you made me cry

  15. Hoss says:

    U had me at fuckstick

  16. the botnet says:

    Eddiebear, your words crystallize that which I’ve been thinking for many moons, but have been unable to so vividly elaborate. Well played, sir.

    Steamboat McGoo, I hope you are well. It’s great to see somebody let you out the cage for a spell. Now right back in you go!

  17. trueholygoat says:

    Fucking A.

  18. SOYLENT GREEN says:

    Flying Flaming Fuckbeagles! Good to hear from you again EVB.

  19. Politically Correct Multicultural Disingenuous White Liberal Nutsack says:

    You said fuckmonkey.

    Dat b rayciss.

  20. […] Someday: Doubleplusundead (Language Warning)Marathon Mike: DriscollFEMA Taps Private Vendors to Meet Sandy Victim’s Needs: Breitbart […]

  21. Storm Saxon's Gall Bladder says:

    They’ll burn down her house so they can be boss of the ashes.
    If we let them.
    Aye: fuck that.

  22. MM says:

    Right on man

  23. jens says:

    The feeling is the same when the daughter you love is 22, just graduated cum laude from a prestigious school, and can’t get a real job (she works but is underemployed) because every business feels no profit will go unpunished so that no risk is worth taking under this administration. Fuck them all.

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