I bet you thought I was dead!

Posted: March 20, 2013 by Skylia Z Ember in FAIL, Lame, Random Crap

I’m not dead. (And, for those of you who may not know who I am – I’m Ember. Or Sky. Or Skylia. Or some combination thereof. I used to write here a lot, but, well, life happens, and I’ve been out of the blogging loop.)

I’ve just not had a lot to say in a really long time.

But today … well, today, I have something to say.

I’m not even going through the old posts. I can’t be the first person on this blog to have something to say about Steubenville. Because, well, this is a blog full of decent, honorable, awesome people, who all have a sense of propriety and honor and a knowledge of what’s right and what’s goddamn motherfucking terribly incredibly disgustingly fucking WRONG. And I believe in this blog full of decent, honorable, awesome people to stand up and say the right goddamn thing at the right goddamn time. But, holy fuck, I just had to weigh the fuck in. I had to weigh the fuck in with some truths that I don’t often say, and that I have certainly never said on the Internet where any motherfucker could read it.

I’ve been raped.


Multiple times.

And you know what?

It’s fucking awful. Not, like, “I drank too much last night and I yelled at my best friend” awful; not, like, “I slept in late and my boss fired me for not showing up” awful. Awful like you never get it out of your head. All of your relationships from that moment on are fucked up. You lose an ability to communicate on a sexual level like a normal human being. You lose a part of yourself. Someone has taken something of you and violated it and treated it like a piece of fucking garbage and then, y’know what they did while you were crying quietly in to your pillow about it afterwards? They laughed at you.

And these boys in Steubenville didn’t laugh at you. You know what disgusting, hateful, terrible fucking thing they did? They bragged about it. All over the internet. The put up videos where boys said shit like, “She’s SO raped!” (HAH! ISN’T THAT FUCKING FUNNY!); they tweeted about it; they shared pictures and they were proud of themselves. They thought it was just the coolest thing they’d ever done. Until they realized: no more football. No more skipping classes and getting passes out of class or whatever the fuck else jock privileges they had. This girl had been raped and her parents had a flash drive full of evidence. And they were going to lose it all.

And then, they did.

And you know what happened? Nobody thought, “Way to go, criminal justice system! You gave those boys a paltry year or two in jail for ruining the rest of that girl’s life!” No. The media sympathized with the attackers. They bemoaned the loss of their football careers and they wailed about how these rapists were going to be registered as sex offenders for the rest of their lives for being fucking cunt-ass sex offenders. Girls bullied and teased and attacked the victim for costing their football team two players.

And some people were so so sad for the two attackers who cried in court.

You know what?

I hope you cry every night, boys. I hope you never stop crying – because she won’t. I hope when you get out, and you meet a nice girl, and you try to get it on, that what you’ve done has warped your mind so that you can’t. You can’t communicate with her. You can’t explain to her why you want to cry when she asks to have sex with you, or why you’re not good at explaining what you want from her, or why you do or don’t want to have sex with her. I hope you feel like objects. I hope you feel like she is only interested in you for your pathetic, tiny penises. I hope you feel like she couldn’t possibly love you for anything but what you can offer her in bed, and that as a result, you’re never capable of achieving orgasm.

And then I hope you cry some motherfucking more, you pussy-ass pathetic pieces of shit.

I won’t cry for you.

Because NO ONE ever asks for it.

She may have chosen to wear what she was wearing, do what she was doing, drink what she was drinking, be where she was, but that does NOT EVER EVER EVER FUCKING MEAN that she asked for someone to violate her body.


It infuriates me.

And if you think a girl wearing something, doing something, drinking something, or being somewhere means that she DESERVES to get raped, then I really, sincerely hope something terrible happens to you that involves your testicles being forcibly removed from your body in a horrific, painful manner. Since angry doesn’t even begin to describe where I am, here are a bunch of fucking synonyms for angry. Take your pick.

  1. wintersetruss says:

    Righteous indignation is a beautiful thing. Especially when the indignant party has all the facts on their side.

  2. osoloco11 says:

    Mega hugs sweetie! Anger is good.

  3. Mega says:

    Good read. I’m sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t leave much unsaid. Although I do hope they do more than cry. And I hope they end up in real jail some day. Because you know, rape is so fucking funny.

  4. I’m sorry for your experience, Ember. And you’re right.

  5. Lemur King says:

    And I am the guy that wants to take guys like that and make sure their lives have as little happiness as possible left in them. One by one take away all the things they love until they have nothing left.

    I don’t know what you went through but I know years and years of abuse, and I know that doing something to you because they can and you can’t stop them – that is the sort of thing that needs to be stopped, because it is the same perpetrators doing what they do over and over and over again.

    And the victim thinks over and over (irrationally) that it was their fault in some way. That’s the worst part – the mind fuck.

    Rapists and abusers deserve no sympathy. No compassion. Those that prey on those who cannot defend themselves deserve no mercy.

  6. jokelly65 says:

    A big damned Amen from this country boy. nothing I can write would even come close to the showing the amount of absolute disgust and contempt I feel for those two worthless, wastes of human flesh.

  7. Kansas Gman says:

    Rape should be a death penalty offense. If that were my daughter, I’d be waiting outside the prison on their release date with my AR-15 scope trained on the exit door.

  8. Dan Patterson says:

    Peace to you.
    I wish I could help.

  9. San Antonio Rose says:


  10. CBD says:

    Well said. Anger is the only appropriate response to any expressions of sympathy for the two rapists.

    I think you would be surprised by how many people agree with you and were nauseated by the media’s attempt at humanizing these evil little bastards.

  11. I know, Ember. I do.

  12. pajama momma says:

    Excellent article, Sky. We’re alike more than you know.

  13. daveintexas says:

    What the lady said.

  14. MWR says:

    BRAVO. Absofuckinglutely. As far as I’m concerned, these “boys” gave up their right to a happy life when they robbed this girl of her opportunity for one.

  15. elspeth says:

    Thank you for sharing these words and speaking truth.

  16. I just wanted to say thanks for the love and support both here and over on the Facechimp, ya’ll. There are no better people out there than Morons.

  17. RKinRoanoke says:

    Well, said, Lady Ember. I cannot wait to show this post to my wife. Keep strong.

  18. beasn says:

    But…but, the advice college campi and certain politicians are giving us, is that we should pee or vomit or tell our attackers that Aunt Flo is visiting to get them to stop….because surely they will, right?

    • Skylia Z Ember says:

      I think what’s even worse is that in this case, the girl was unconscious and couldn’t even do any of that stupid crap.

      And. Well. As for the Aunt Flo part … I know from experience that isn’t going to deter a fucking rapist. Rape is a crime of domination and control, and you get even more control when you have a sobbing girl telling you she’s on her period.

  19. tobiaspete says:

    Man, so sorry to read about your experiences. Makes me long for true justice in the world all the more. Also, to realize that behind statistics and abstract crime stories that happen in the papers, there’s a real toll on the victims.

    I do think it’s interesting the contrasting images of how the media feels sympathy for the attackers here, but in the Duke lacrosse case they were quick to vilify the falsely accused “attackers.” I keep trying to think of a unified explanation, to define two polar opposite approaches by the press, but I am bewildered. It seems like both times, they championed the criminals and vilified the victim.

  20. Travis says:

    I’ll pray for you. I wish you didn’t have to go through that.

  21. Norcross says:

    Yeah boys, if you think rape is so funny, then be sure to pick up the soap every day for the next two years.

  22. arminius says:

    Yes I don’t understand the reaction to this story either. Duke Lacrosse innocent accused = pure evil moustache twisting ultravillains. Steubenville guilty accused = misunderstood sainted victims. Who decides this stuff, and why?

  23. Thank you for your courage and honesty, Ember.

  24. Gus Bailey says:

    Ma’am, I have no words.

    Please accept the gesture of my tipped hat as a sign of respect to your courage.

  25. Thank you for writing this. I wish I could convey how much it means to me. Just – thank you.

  26. Thank you. As a fellow rape *survivor, my heart goes out to you. As the mother of a daughter who was brutally sexually abused by her own father, my feelings and thoughts mirror yours on the BS that ANYONE could possibly have any sympathy whatsoever towards the perps. But as dreadful as the MSM has behaved, what really Pisses Me Off, is the so called ‘conservatives’ who muddied the waters. That – is unforgivable.

    I will say this until the Whole World Understands – Put the SHAME where it belongs – On the Perps – NEVER on the survivor!!!!!!!

    *I refuse to use the word “victim”. We are “survivors”.

  27. what gets me about this whole thing is, those boys weren’t sorry for their actions, they were sorry they had gotten caught. the miserable, disgusting, pathetic excuses for human beings will not learn from their punishment, anything other than “don’t get caught next time”.

  28. E says:

    Amen, I hope the coaches and all the other students who knew and didn’t report it end up punished. Who the fuck thinks that is right, I don’t care how drunk you are, right is still right and wrong is still wrong. Depraved sick fucks, all of them! ❤ survivors unite!

  29. Cato says:

    Brilliant writing, ma’am, and absolutely right on every count. Many of us guys also believe that society coddles these scumbags way too much. I’m not sure what punishment could ever fit the crime, but we damn sure don’t do enough to put a stop to this behavior. Start with serial offenders, the chair for the whole lot.

    • Gus Bailey says:

      Hello Cato. Thank you for expressing the opinion of honest / honorable men. As for the punishment, the chair is too good.

      I’m familiar with several actions that could meet with your approval as proper punishment, but to be more light-hearted, I’ll refer you to the Princess Bride http://youtu.be/I_keWS1i3RA

  30. Cato says:

    I think I’d go with wroth. How many times does the Bible say God was wroth with someone? That’s the kind of anger we’re talking about here. Total, justified, and righteous.

  31. SamIam says:

    The “bright side” of this is she doesn’t remember it because she was out cold. I think I heard that any way. But yeah, the sentence is way, way too light for those assholes.

  32. SamIam says:

    Just read your comment about her being unconscious, Skyla. Don’t you think that’s sort of a blessing though? She knows what happened to her, I know, but she didn’t really *experience* it like you did. Very sad that happened to you by the way.

    I’m a male and technically a female had un-consentual intercourse with me years ago. I didn’t want to, she did, I was hard and laying down and she basically impaled herself which really pissed me off but it was in no way, shape, or form traumatic for me. (I had not had sex with this female before) But legally it may have been rape, not sure. Anyway, just getting that out there.

    • It is perhaps a blessing that she can’t remember. I’m not sure. I can imagine torturing myself with what I “thought” might have happened if I didn’t know what happened.

      And, yes. What happened to you IS RAPE. Just. For the record.

  33. SGT. York says:

    Being somewhere does not mean a woman deserves to be raped. Drinking something does not mean a woman deserves to be raped. Wearing something does not mean a woman deserves to be raped. However, wearing something provocative does say a lot about a woman’s character and that she is very likely to be an effortless path to sex. “No” certainly means “no”, but an outfit says what a location or drink do not say. It says “maybe” or even “probably”. Combine the outfit with the drink and the location and often a woman will have meant to say “no” when she otherwise did not. The girl in this case was unconscious…the default position is “no”. But I want to know where the hell the parents were in all this, and why they aren’t being held liable. Yeah, those boys shouldn’t have raped the girl. But NONE of those underage kids should have been left drinking unsupervised or drinking at all!

    • Skylia Z Ember says:

      I agree: those kids should not have been drinking, nor should they have been drinking unsupervised. Then again, we were all stupid teenagers once … I had my fair share of underage drinking. Of course, I always surrounded myself with friends and people I trusted to help keep me safe. Not necessarily a smart decision – but a better one.

      Kids are going to drink. It’s shitty, it’s stupid, it’s unfortunate, but it happens all the time. There’s a whole other slew of arguments to get in to there (drinking age limits, responsible parties, etc.).

      For me, it comes down to: I don’t care what the combination is. Shit. Last year, I was in a stage production of Rocky Horror. Had a few too many to drink and couldn’t afford a cab. So, there I am, four in the morning, walking home in downtown Reno, wearing a corset, a pair of boyshort underwear, and six inch stilletos. I was a bit drunk, it was dark, and certainly, that outfit was “provocative” by any stretch of the imagination. But none of that would have made it okay for someone to assault me.

      • SGT. York says:

        I want to make clear in no uncertain terms that it is never OK for anyone to assault anyone else. My remarks were not at all intended to even imply that somehow an invitation is made just because a woman is dressed provocatively and drunk. But where one condition does not ‘deserve’ another, one can be open to another, and that was all I was saying. A jogger in Central Park after sundown is not at fault for what happens to her, but going into the park at that time of day is never a good idea. I am glad nothing happened to you last year (I live in Sparks, and go to UNR; If your performance was at the Bruka theater then I may have seen you perform), and your condition was certainly not an invitation for anything to happen, but certain parts of downtown late at night are a bad idea even for a woman who’s sober and dressed conservatively. It’s kind of like what Clint Eastwood’s character in “Unforgiven” said to Gene Hackman just before he shot him. Hackman protested “I don’t deserve this!” to which Eastwood replied “Deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it.” If one condition exists, then the door is open for other, worse conditions to exist. If we’re going to be OK with 75 MPH speed limits, then we have decided to be OK with the percentage of people that will inevitably exceed that, crash, and kill themselves and others. If we’re going to say “The kids are going to do it anyway”, then we’re accepting the fact that a certain percentage of kids are going to go beyond that and do things like the Steubenville Boys did. If we want the freedom to decide – with impaired judgment – that we are going to skip the cab and walk home, even though we know we’re impaired and there’s a good chance someone might mistake us for someone else (given the working girls on fourth street and your outfit, I imagine you must have been propositioned once or twice, or asked how much your “services” were). There’s a line between restricting freedoms and accepting the consequences…when we decide not to enforce laws that say children are not allowed to drink, then we have to accept the consequences of the poor decisions they clearly made. It’s not right. It’s just what is. “Deserve’s” got nothing to do with it.

        • Skylia Z Ember says:

          Well said! Also, cheers – it was the Rocky at Comrow last October. I used to do some work with Good Luck MacBeth but never with Bruka. 🙂 I didn’t know any of the Morons were in the area! We should have a mini-meat-up.

          The unfortunate truth is there will ALWAYS be people who break pretty much any law, and, yes, while there are things we can do that are smarter, wiser, or safer, it’s sad that there is a certain percentage of people who will always think that a survivor of any type of assault “asked for it”.

    • yup says:

      Thank you for saying what so very rarely gets said, but NEEDS said.

  34. thisheavenlyhell says:

    *hug* I love you, lady.

  35. {{{HUGS}}}

    So sorry that this happened to you, dear one; wouldn’t wish that on anyone. By now, you’d think that all of the feminist crap that we’ve had to listen to for the past 30-40 years would have taught people that rape isn’t about sex, it’s about POWER.

    Of course, many of the most ardent feminists are also the ones who bleat the loudest about scum like this just being “misunderstood”.

    Oh, and we’re all racists for not agreeing with them.

    If you ever need anything, sweetie, just let us know – we all love you bunches and bunches. ♥♥♥

    • ❤ Thanks TiF! And yes. It's all about power and control, which is why the "chase the prep off with HUMOR!" and "go ahead and pee on yourself!" advice is even more stupid. He doesn't necessarily want to get laid: he wants to be dominant and have control. And, well, if you make a girl piss herself, you probably feel pretty in control.

  36. GMLand says:

    Kudos for your courage to speak about the unspeakable.

  37. mac says:

    You know what really sucks about all of this? The fact that there are so many false rape accusations. If you get a jury of men in a rape trial, they’re almost always ready to come back with a guilty verdict. They want the bastard put in jail and the key MELTED. Defense lawyers WANT women on the jury because they know women are FAR MORE likely than most men to think that there is a possibility that the rape victim was to some degree culpable. Why would women think that about other women? You’re a woman, Sky, and a rape victim. You tell me the answer.

  38. Skylia Z Ember says:

    I wish I had an answer. I don’t. I can’t imagine it.

    Regardless of gender, it would be ideal if a jury were convicting based on evidence: not opinion or prejudice.

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