Dear customers

Posted: September 10, 2013 by doubleplusundead in Uncategorized

Screaming and yelling isn’t going to make the oddball items you requested during one of the busiest times of the year come to you any quicker.  No, it’s not my fault that your poor planning and lack of foresight led to your dilemma.  You’re TALKING to the manager, dickbag.  Yeah, I’ll bet you’d have paid nearly double at our nearest competitor if you knew it would take…that’s why you were trying to nickel and dime every fucking thing you bought and still crying about the cost, spare me, fuckwit.  Yeah, yeah I know, you’re a superstar down at the cracker factory and you’d have got an order out in 30 seconds after it was processed, they all are.

You’re also the greatest customer we’ve ever had in the history of EVER and you buy EVERYTHING here.  Oh look, a $20 order from 1995, that was sooooooo unexpected, I was expecting tens, maybe hundreds of thousands.  Maybe next time.  Or next time.  Or the time after that.  Or not.  Why do people think that threat works?  If there’s anything any retailer or salesman knows, 99.998% of the time, the Bestest Customer Evar A) Doesn’t buy SHIT from you, or B) Is such a high maintenance abusive prick it’s not worth dealing with them.   You done ranting?  Good, I’m hanging up the goddamned phone now, please get herpes and cancer in your ass.

You want my help, dear customer, knock it the fuck off with the fucking threats, it’s fucking tired, especially the fucking Greatest Customer Evar routine.  Here’s a hint: actual good customers don’t need to make this fucking threat, customers who know they’re making obnoxious or unreasonable requests ALWAYS make this threat.  And making this threat gives me absolutely no motivation to help you or try and expedite things.


I love dealing with the public soooo much.

  1. Rob in Katy says:

    I don’t suppose you work for Ford do you, because I am your best customer…you know, one of the chumps that bought the rolling gas chamber explorer TSB 12-12-04. If you have one, check out the TSB. 2010->

  2. I worked retail for years. I. Feel. Your. Pain.

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