Shock video to turn children into bloodthirsty killbots

Posted: December 5, 2013 by Sean M. in Lame

Do you ever just look at someone and think, “Man, it must be tiring constantly finding incredibly stupid shit to get outraged about?” Because that’s what I’m getting from these two douchewagons:

Santa and his reindeer have some company this year: military fighter jets. And that has some people very unhappy, saying it is a thinly veiled marketing video aimed at children.

NORAD is equating jolly old St. Nick and the military in the minds of kids, one psychologist said.

Santa means presents, good times and “everything else that is positive about Christmas,” Allen Kanner, a child and family psychologist, told the Boston Globe. The co-founder of the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood said the Pentagon has gone too far.

The associate director of the campaign, Josh Golin, goes a step further. He told CNN that it was “a back-door way to market” the military to kids. The Pentagon took this holiday tradition and added “violence and militarism,” he said.

Okay, at this point, I’m going to warn you that if you have impressionable little tykes around, you might want to clear them out of the room and lock the door. Because I’m gonna embed this gun-blazing, hellfire-spewing, guitar-rocking, splodetastic T&A jingofest right the fuck here:

AWWWWWW, HELLS YE–wait, that was it? That looked like the cut scenes from a game you might buy as a gag gift from the bargain bin at Fry’s Electronics. In 1998. And the fighter jets were on screen for something like five seconds. There’s more “violence and militarism” in your average Jane Austen novel than in that thing.

Seriously you guys, wash the sand out of your vaginas and work on something worthwhile. I would suggest helping out with this, but…you know.

UPDATE: Now It All Makes Sense…
I mentioned this to someone else who had seen the video, and we figured out The Military-Industrial Complex’s dastardly plan. They’re trying to make today’s kids (who are, we are constantly told, desensitized to violence through slick and realistic video games) sorry for NORAD in hopes that they’ll join up and bring the painfully square agency into the 21st century with their l33t skillz. Or something.

  1. Storm Saxon's Gall Bladder says:

    I was only slightly offended by the jazzy arrangement of Greensleeves/What Child is This.

    The fighter jets finally materialized near the end and i reflexively grabbed my hatchet, ready to inflict violence on the nearest foreigner, but i did not know who to target. Years of jingo-industrial conditioning yearned for instructions… then in the very next frame I saw santa’s sleigh passing the Taj Mahal and i knew we were going to war with India. This will make us allies with Pakistan and China, but SANTA COMMANDS AND I OBEY!

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